Voluntary... Who knew?

At some point in biology I vaguely remember learning something about voluntary and involuntary muscles, i.e. your heart pumps without you actually making a conscious decision to tell it to pump. I used to think that breathing was involuntary too, but apparently I was wrong. 

When Trevor and I broke up years ago I remember thinking I was going to die, crying, being hysterical and drinking and shopping way too much. This time the dying, crying, hysterical parts are all there, but I've added in gasping for air, because somehow my lungs have forgotten that they're supposed to be breathing. I guess I did learn a few things from all this, breathing is actually voluntary, pigeons make me hyperventilate, Poland is a dumb country and lastly, I thought I would never have to go through anything as awful as that first time you get your heart broken and the fun part about life is, I do get to go through it again and it actually can be worse than the first time around. That's fun.  

It hasn't gotten any easier in the last week, in fact, it doesn't seem possible, but I actually feel worse about it now that I did a week ago. I keep telling myself that it's better to be alone then with someone who doesn't think you're good enough and doesn't want to be with you, but clearly in my irrational state, I could care less about that. 

Some days are like that...

So, I woke up yesterday feeling pretty good; I went on a great long run, the kind I used to do in Dubai and it felt awesome, a friend from Dubai was arriving later that afternoon, a trip to Warsaw the following weekend and life just seemed like it was moving along. Then it all sort of screeched to a halt when Andrew called on Skype from Australia to break up with me. Surprised? So was I. So, the day didn't turn out quite as planned.

I was trying to figure out if I should write this in here or not, but I'm realizing that this whole blog thing is great, it really is a record of the ups and downs in my life. Thing is, I'm sick of the downs and I'm tired of life being hard. I keep thinking at some point things are supposed to work out, and if you would have asked me a week ago, I would have told you they finally where working out. Who knew? Now, the goal is about 5 seconds without some sort of breakdown. I'm in survival mode.

Flying by...

Time is moving way too fast! In many ways I want life to hurry up so I can... fill in the blank... get to SF for Jen's wedding and SEA to see my family, to Dubai for Thanksgiving, to December because my mom's coming, then I realize, wait, life is good now too, slow down! Steph said something the other day like we're just wishing our lives away... I don't want to do that.

Andrew came back into town last week, it was great, we just went to dinner outside right on the river, walked around town, got some ice cream and then happened to wander right into a huge wine festival. Andrew made me order our wine in German. I eventually did it, but got so nervous! Then we walked to my new apartment so I could show it to him. He took a picture of me and it looked like one of those pictures all my friends have been posting of their kid's first day of school. Ha! I left the next morning for the 8th Grade Fall trip, of course I was crying hysterically when I had to say goodbye and then the whole bus ride to school. I'm sure people thought I was crazy. Oh well, for all I know they were all discussing it in German right in front of me...

The fall trip was in Schladming, Austria. It was really great, of course I would have rather been in Vienna with Andrew, but what could I do? We did some hiking, swimming and an indoor ropes course that I was able to complete, but I have the most massive bruise on my arm, I'm not even sure how it got there. All fun, and in my opinion, slightly dangerous... but maybe that's the American in me. It was fun to be around the kids outside of school and also nice to spend some time with the 8th Grade teachers.

I got back on Friday night, Steph and I stayed in and were, shocking, on our computers, drinking wine and just chatting till all hours. It's ridiculous, that is all we do! We got up Saturday morning and had a great day, we went out for sushi and then down to the Naschmarket, met another friend for coffee, walked over to buy a vaccuum and then came home and got ready to go over to a friend's house for a little get together. It was such a fun day/night. The next day we got up and went for a long run in the Prater and then out to a really delicious brunch. I spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning up, doing laundry, cooking and just sort of hanging out at the house. It was really nice!

Now, it's back to work, soccer and rushed life, this week is open house too. I hired some movers to come move my boxes tomorrow night, I am just now realizing that I'm moving out (sad) to an empty apartment with no internet. I hope it's not torture! I'm going to go try to set up a time to do internet as soon as possible, but a friend of mine just said she had to wait a few weeks! Ahhh!

My weekend schedule is pretty crazy.
Sept 12/13 hiking and hut camping
Sept 18/19 Soccer tournament
Sept 24 - 27 Warsaw, Poland
Oct 3 Budapest (soccer)
Oct 10/11 Graz, half marathon
Oct 22 - 31 SF and Seattle
Nov 12 - 14 Munich (Soccer)
Nov 26 - 30 Dubai
Dec 4 - 19 Mom's visit to Vienna

I'm exhausted just looking at that... I'm going to wake up and it'll be 2010!

Roller Coaster...

It seems like life just keeps getting better... then worse, then better again.... It's a bit of a rollercoaster. Speaking of, I'm supposed to be reading this book called The Roller Coaster Years, which is basically about parenting middle schoolers. The thing is I don't think the ups and downs of life ever stop, they just change. And, knowing myself the highs are high and the lows are low, I haven't really ever been able to meet the gentle rolling slopes type of life. Ahhh, what fun would that be anyways? Andrew arrived on Friday, I managed to get us to/from the airport with no major problems, it was really fun to be in Vienna with him, we met some friends of mine at the festival thing at the Rathous for dinner/drinks, which sadly closed yesterday. While we were at the airport I saw a sign for Starbucks, so of course we had to go, it's like I've been brainwashed by that place, I see the green little sign and NEED a latte, it's not even like I want it, I must have it in order for life to go on. Highlights of our trip... to start with it was the "real nice Avis guy" who gave us a printout to our hotel, only for us to arrive out in some suburb of Berlin to a neighborhood home, oops, there's two streets with the same name. Fortunately we were eventually able to find our hotel, right near the prostitutes, nope, I'm not kidding... it was hilarious. I must say, I did ask Andrew what type of place are we staying and if it's by the hour... I slept while we drove to Poznan, Poland the next morning at 5:30 or so, then we met up with some of Andrew's friends at our hotel, which was great, for breakfast and then went to the World Cup Rowing. I'd never been to anything like that before. We spent both Saturday and Sunday morning and afternoon watching the races, sitting in the sun, laying on the grass, it was great! After the races we grabbed lunch at the old square, went back to the hotel to relax and then met up again for dinner and drinks one night and then to watch the local soccer team and then dinner and drinks. I broke my two drink limit one night, only to find that it was pointless, I ordered a vodka soda and ended up with a large glass of straight vodka, I was home and asleep within the hour... The old square was beautiful, but there was this very large bra thing with a life size Arab man hanging from it like it was a parachute. Weird. We went out to this bar on Sunday night where all the rowers were, it was a pretty hilarious scene. While we were standing there this guy bit into his glass and a big chunk broke off in his mouth, I looked down at my foot a bit later and somehow the glass ended up in my foot and there was blood everywhere, nice. As I was attempting to get the glass out, I cut my finger. Genius. I left that night at midnight on a shuttle bus to the Berlin Airport, caught a 6:00am flight back to Vienna and had to go straight to work... then soccer practice, then picked up my keys to my new apartment. It was so nice when I finally got home, Steph was making dinner. Seriously, I may never leave even though I have a place of my own... Andrew gets back here tonight and then I leave in the morning for our 8th Grade Fall trip. I guess it's supposed to be raining, so I need to rethink my packing. Ugh. Part of me wishes I could somehow get out of the whole thing but that's not possible...